Room Quality: The Paris has nice, standard rooms that are a cut below the really fancy Vegas places. They pretend to be Louis XIV furniture, but really it's just sort of ornate. The rooms are a little small. They have large windows with good views, dark-wood armoires (with built-in safes), writing desks and the single king rooms have loveseats. The bathrooms are large and standard for a luxury property, with the always welcome separate tub and shower so everyone can get clean at once. Hairdryers are included. If you're ambitious, ask for a premium room, which is a bit larger than the average room. All rooms have irons and ironing boards to keep you entertained.

Service Quality: The service is okay. Room service has an extensive menu. The rooms are clean and towels are brought promptly, when you ask.

What You Get Bottles of in the Bathroom: Shampoo, lotion and mouthwash. The mouthwash is a touch you'll never find in real France because that country's breath is rank.

Clientele: People in their late 30's up to retired folks. This place caters to upper-middle class people with SUVs who never actually drive off-road, and who are keen on having a "total" experience from their hotel.

How's the Pool? The pool area is small and disappointing. It is on the roof, octagon-shaped, and supposedly surrounded by Parisian gardens. Well, there are a few planters around but you'd never think of Paris if they didn't tell you to, especially when it's 120 degrees out. You at least have a cool view of the Eiffel tower from here.

Table Games: There are loads of tables, dealing all the staples: blackjack, craps, roulette, Let It Ride, pai gow and a few sucker games. The pits are laid out pretty logically, sort of radiating from the center of the casino. The blackjack is not too good, but the craps is standard 3x4x5x odds. There is single-zero roulette available to the high-rollers, but double-zero for the rest of us. The ceiling is a comfortable 40-feet overhead, so the surveillance cameras are housed in these corny-looking trellises that run over the table areas. Single-deck blackjack pays a lowly and insulting 6:5.

Bet Minimums: We've found $5 tables at all games on very rare occasions, but $10 tables are more prevalent. At the roulette table, you'll be given $1 chips, but you have to put five or ten of them on the table if you want to play.

Machines: Slots from a penny to the hundreds. There are very few good video poker machines, and the slot areas are crowded. The aisles are narrow so you might jostle some stranger who is sitting nearby.

Cocktails? Pretty good cocktail service, if you don't mind being served by waitresses in really dopey-looking French police costumes. Although, maybe that's a turn on to some. Of course, appropriate swatches of the costumes have been chopped out so you can see cleavage and leg.

Who Gets Comps? The slot club links several Harrah's properties. As a slot player, you won't get much unless you're a dollar or $5 player. At the tables, bet $25 chips before you can expect free food. Bet $100 chips if you want them to ask you to sleep over.

Ah Sin: Pan Asian cuisine that won't shock anyone who has been to Chinois or Chin Chin or P.F. Changs. Decent, expensive meals with seafood, meats and Asian spices and noodles. Dinner only.

Du Parc: This deli is by the poolside, but be careful! You eat one of these sandwiches and you are not allowed to swim for an hour. Otherwise you might get cramps and drown. My mother said so.

Eiffel Tower Restaurant: Very good French food eleven stories above the Strip and just about the most expensive joint in town. This is the fanciest and most "romantic" restaurant at Paris, and you have to dress accordingly. They serve traditional French cuisine. Make reservations in advance and try to be there for sunset. If you just want to eat even higher up in the air, there are the Rio Voodoo Cafe and the Stratosphere Top of the World restaurant.

JJ's Boulangerie: Fancy, tasty bread on skimpy, overpriced sandwiches. This place is just right for people who love bread more than meat. The big downside is that it's in the shopping mall where you may be assaulted by one of the annoying mimes.

La Creperie: We could make a tasteless joke involving a homonym on the name, but we're too classy for that. Instead, we'll just tell you that the crepes made here are sweet and tasty snacks.

Les Artistes Steakhouse: Toulouse Latrec and Picasso loved to stuff their greasy gobs with the buttery steaks of France. Now's your chance to pig out like the artists, who never dined at this restaurant (whose replica paintings decorate it). It's fancy steak, mostly a la carte and what amounts to prices that would make a French hooker blush. Quality is fair, but not exceptional and, when price is considered, downright lousy. Wines, desserts, coffee, salads and side dishes are equally overpriced, even for a steakhouse.

Le Burger Brasserie: Paris is helping to bring white trash into high culture, or vice versa. Either way, this little eatery with big booths serves mostly plain old burgers, except all gussied-up expensive like. The menu also features some burgers with salmon, lamb and vegetarian. Oh, and don't forget the superfancy burger of kobe and lobster with champagne for $777. As to the claim of "the world's most creative burgers"? Um, yeah, sure.

Le Cafe Ile St. Louis: A "French" coffee shop featuring such breakfast favorites as "French" toast and "omelets." They also serve le hamburger and le cheeseburger. You get the idea, right? It's a coffee shop, but with an extra dollar tacked onto all the prices for the "frogginess."

Mon Ami Gabi: Genuine French cafe food, (or so we think - who has money to really go to Paris?) such as steak frites and sandwiches for lunch, and steak frites and seafood for dinner. This place is quite good and a relative bargain.

Le Provencal: This is an Italian restaurant that Paris insists has a "French" twist. Well, give them credit for trying to stick to the theme, no matter how tiring it gets. But, they get no credit for having waiters that "spontaneously" burst into song. honestly, we'd rather see them spontaneously burst into flames.

Le Village Buffet: More than $20 for dinner is way too high for this buffet. It's very good, but it better be for that kind of money. They claim it is authentic French food, but it looks more like slightly dressed up American food with some crepes thrown in. We must admit, though, that crepes made to order, and filled with wonderful berries, sound better than a $2.49 steak and eggs. The breads are fresh and delicious. The dining area is broken up into small and elegant rooms.

Anthony Cools: Cools has been prowling on and off the Strip for a while with the same schtick: basic hypnotism with folks doing naughty things. If you're into hypnotism, there aren't many choice and this is one of them.

Eiffel Tower: Let's see, it's half the height and more expensive than the Stratosphere Tower, plus the viewing deck is covered with mesh and very small. Hmmm... Where do you think we'd spend our panoramic-view budget?

Lounges: They describe the lounge acts in Le Cabaret as "Euro Bands." Well, they dress nicer than the average lounge act, but they sure don't sound any better. We suggest looking for someplace with an Elvis impersonator.

Risque: Anyone interested in sipping overpriced booze at yet another "ultra chic" nightspot? Good lord, these things are popping up like boils and every one of these hipster nightclubs is nearly identical. It's dark, low slung and has live deejays and plenty of attitude.

Number of TVs: 28, six big screens, split up about evenly for sports and race.

Number of Seats: About 200. The whole first row is reserved. The chairs are plenty comfy. You know how them French like nice stuff. Watch the horsies run on individual TVs.

How Many Betting Windows? About 15, and the signboards are lit up like the Eiffel Tower at the end of the century.

Free Drinks? For race bettors, and hi-rollin' sports bettors only.

Snack Bar? Non, mon ami.

Minimum Wager: $5 for sports and $2 for horses.

Other Notes: Watch out, there are crazy drunk guys in this place who will ask you for sports advice, if our experience is any indication. Just tell them that the Dolphins are an unbeatable lock and they should let you be.