Coupons Available for Monte Carlo Vegas: Two-for-one drafts at the pub, two-for-one cocktails at Brand, free margarita with the purchase of an entree at Diablo's. (Click Here For More Info.)

Room Quality: Slightly above average-sized and slightly better than average trappings. Overall, it feels nice, with quality beds and nice cherry furniture. There is a nice television, which we guess is supposed to give the room a turn-of-the-century Europe feel. As does the high-speed Internet (you pay extra). There is an iron and ironing board for your housechore pleasure. The views facing Las Vegas Blvd. are great. The bathrooms are okay with marble counter tops, a sink, tub/shower and a toilet. We're almost positive there's a toilet in there. If there isn't, we made a housekeeper very unhappy. If you really want to fancy it up, try "Hotel32", which is what they call a boutique hotel on the 32nd floor. It's swankier, has big suites, butler service and limos, happy hours and wireless Internet for a hefty premium.

Service Quality: Fair. It's a full-service hotel that's competing for the customers who want a nice hotel, but not a ritzy one. The spa is very good. Check-in is quick considering the size, and you shoudn't have more than a half-hour wait, even during the busiest times.

What You Get Bottles of in the Bathroom: Shampoo, conditioner and lotion. Also, a bar of glycerine soap for your precious babyface. You fat cats in the suites can fix your busted buttons with the glorious sewing kits, because you get that sweetest of freebies.

Clientele: It's solid middle class all the way. You'll never see so many Camrys and Buicks as in their parking structure.

How's the Pool? It's nice without being spectacular. There are four pools in total and a 400' lazy river to float along. Plus, what they call Pool Side Food, which is not actually prepared poolside and does not include fish that swim alongside you. That would be pretty cool, though.

Resort Fee: (What is this?) $16.80 per night. You get wired internet, fitness center access, daily paper, copying and faxing, printing boarding passes and local and toll-free calls.

Table Games: Good double deck blackjack makes this a better than average place to lose your money. They also have average craps, Let it Ride, Pai Gow, and even baccarat, although it's not the real high-limit baccarat. But, if you're a high-rolling baccarat player, what the heck are you doing reading our lousy little pages? The casino gets high marks for being one large, pretty, easy to navigate room.

Bet Minimums: $10 and up. This may make it the best deal on the South Strip. The craps has the now standard 3x4x5x odds, and the cheapest single-deck BJ has lousy 6:5 odds.

Machines: 2,000+ machines from pennies to $100. They have all the latest and greatest games.

Cocktails? Fair cocktail service. The clientele is mostly a quiet, middle-aged, fairly well off crowd without serious drinking problems. You won't see people getting too drunk or too crazy.

Who Gets Comps? The unified M Life slot club serves for a whole truckload of properties and pays pretty decently. At the tables, it's like anywhere else on the Strip. M Life is meant to make you very loyal to the MGM casinos.

Andre's: Oo la la, this swanky French place just inside the front entrance has standard, rich entrees like venison, veal chop, lamb, filet, lobster thermidor and fish. It's a quiet room up a flight of stairs and it's great for romantic dining. Little kids are not welcome. If you want to sample the food with less elegance (and price), try the cheeses and small plates in the bar.

Brand Steakhouse: Like all the ritzy steak joints in town, Brand serves everything a la carte. That means, no potato included. The chops are thick and tasty, the ambience is pretty typical.

Buffet: Standard fare, moderate selection. Breakfast has good made-to-order omelets.

Caf�: It's a coffee shop, but not generic because they spice up the regular breakfast, lunch and dinner items. Come for the food, but stay for the over the e! That's how they do it in Europe, you know.

Diablo's Cantina: Inside, this is a Mexican restaurant that also serves burgers and other American fare, all at a premium price. So, basic food that comes with classic rock music. Oh, and chips and salsa before the meal are NOT complimentary.

Dragon Noodle: This little Chinese place (that also serves sushi) is along a wall of restaurants and offers a semi-casual dining experience, except with sushi. Meals are a bit overpriced, but okay in taste. They've hipped this place up with "mixologists", so expect to pay for that silliness along with your drunken noodles.

d.vino: d-vino is an eatery and wine bar with just as much emphasis on the hooch as on the quite-standard dishes. Prices are still reasonable.

Pub: The good news is eighty beers on tap. The bad news is they won't let you have a glass of all eighty beers. At least, not at once.

Jabbawockeez: Jabbawockeez is a high-energy dance troupe that rose to fame on one of those dance competition TV shows. The crew wears masks and matching clothes to blend into a whole and sort of look like mannequins. They do a lot of mixing of thumping hip hop with break and robot moves. Of course, if you don't want to pay for this, you can watch the Cheapo crew dance for nickels just off Fremont Street.

Minus 5 Bar: The Minus 5 lounge is where you can drink in a frozen room. You have to pay for the parka or other winter wear and then sit among ice and drink very cold drinks. It's the second one in town, so they must be doing all right.

Number of TVs: About 18. One biggie, which is usually showing horse racing.

Number of Seats: About 35 for sports, 50 for race, and about 25 lounge-style in between. They aren't reserved, nor do they have individual TVs. It won't physically harm you to sit on them, but it won't make you feel like a million dollars, either.

How Many Betting Windows? About eight, with electronic signboards.

Free Drinks? Horse bettors and high rollers get the royal treatment, but don't think you're going to get a drink just standing around looking like you know the score.

Snack Bar? No, but there's a bar in the back.

Minimum Wager: $5 sports, $2 for racing.

Other Notes: The 25 lounge-style seats that grace the back and center of this room are the most comfortable ones in here.

Number of Tables: Nine, and they all have four legs. So that's what, about, um, 36 legs.

Comfort of Chairs: Good chairs. They've got all their legs and they don't wobble, so they have that over our kitchen chairs right there.

Closed Room or Open to Casino? Closed off and plenty quiet. Not library quiet, but good enough to keep your attention focused on the game. It is a little cramped.

Game Spreads and Limits: Hold-em $2-$4, $4-$8. There is also a No-limit starting at $1/$2 with a $300 min buy-in, and then going up to $2-$5 occasionally.

Beginner Games or Classes? They offer classes at 10 am, so you better pay attention if you want to keep your dollars.

How Crowded is the Room? Thursdays through Sundays, the place stays busy. The room manager assured us the wait rarely streches past 15 minutes.

Comps? Free drinks while playing. Play four hours a day and they'll give you a $6 coupon good for food, but they won't let you eat it at the table, because they know what a slob you are. Also, five hours a day should get you the discount room rate.

How Good Are the Players? They are good. Better than the Luxor or Excalibur, but not as good as at The Orleans or Bellagio.

What Else Do I Need to Know? This is a nice-looking room with nice dark-wood paneling. Hi-hand progressive jackpot, get a 4-of-a-kind or better to qualify. The Monte Carlo offers daily tournaments plus a few sit-n-gos.